I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
