I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
