if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
