checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
