Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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