dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
