Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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