Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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