Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I'm having to shit out rocks
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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