my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
