wakey wakey hands off snakey
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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