so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
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