two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
