Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize