I'm sorry my penis didn't work
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
