Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
