we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
