he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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