dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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