Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
