Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
