i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
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