How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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