wakey wakey hands off snakey
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
