woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Randomize
