It's just like the Real World with babies
I got her a Nickelback box set.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
