dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Randomize