You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
