Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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