Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
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