Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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