if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
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