Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
we should paint friendship bongs
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