I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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