When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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