I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
