Your face is a jimmy john
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
