I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
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