sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
i've created a new STD.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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