i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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