i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
