Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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