i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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