Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
My liver just had a heart attack.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
