I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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