I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
