hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
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