I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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