I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
What a dumb baby whore.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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