just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Randomize
