So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
