i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
