Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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