glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
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