Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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