Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
