I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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