Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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