So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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