I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
