frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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