So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
