I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
