I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
