but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
